Walk This Earth Alone
by CassBlake
Summary: Series Finale Spoiler Warning. Angst, Drama. Takes place after Series Finale. The broodings of a slayer when the battle's done. Complete.


"Walk This Earth Alone"  
By C. K. Blake  
  
The room was like most motel rooms, small, comfortable, clean, cheap, and mostly cockroach free. The walls were a bland beige color; the carpet an attempt at coral, while the furniture was cheap varnished light oak. There were two double beds and a TV that promised HBO and only offered poor reception. None of that mattered to the room's two occupants, a young blonde woman with fiery greenish-gray eyes that spoke volumes of grief and wisdom, and her companion a dark haired girl with a lot of energy and a bad attitude turned soft.  
The young blonde hadn't spoken much for the past week, since the day Sunnydale had been destroyed. The dark girl was worried about her friend, because usually the blonde could be very talkative, outspoken at the very least. Things would never be the same. Into each generation a slayer is born, and the chosen would come into their power a lot sooner, and without the death of a previous slayer. With more slayers in the world the older generations could slow down, maybe even have the chance to live a normal life, at least past the age of twenty-five. It was a stretch, and there would probably always be a need for patrolling, but the possibility of a normal life was more than either of the girls had ever known.  
"Hey, B, do you think he'll come back like Angel?" The dark girl asked her companion.  
The blonde looked up, a small movement at the edge of her lips, the hint of a wistful smile, "I don't know, Faith. The world is different now, but I can hardly imagine life without him."  
"Well, you killed Angel and he came back," Faith offered up.  
"Spike had his soul and he died for a good cause. He changed the world. Who knows if he'll come back, or if there is an afterlife for the undead? I just don't know if I'm ready to go on in this world, starting over alone again. Losing Angel almost destroyed me, how can I survive losing William the bloody? Before I let him go I told him I loved him. Just like when I sent Angel to hell," The blonde took a deep breath as a tear spilled from her eye and ran down her cheek. She lifted her hand up and wiped it away and said, "I don't even know where he is. If I knew I would find a way to go to him. I feel like I can't even breathe."  
"Buffy, I wish there was something I could do. Anything, but like you said, he died for a good cause. He saved you, us; hell girl, he even saved the world. You got to give the guy some credit; he went out pretty good. Kicking demon ass and saving the world," Faith said.  
"Can you stop the pain? Can you bring him back to me? I wish I could do something. He didn't even believe me when I told him I loved him. He just told me that I didn't love him. Like he wasn't worthy of me. If he were here I would probably kick his ass until he believed me, but he's gone, just like that, and I don't know how to deal anymore," Buffy said and finally broke up.  
Faith didn't have much experience dealing with broken people, but she did what came natural, she wrapped her arms around her crying friend and rocked her, letting the broken heart bleed as tears stained her shoulders.  
  
"B, shit, you gotta pull yourself together. You know the life of the slayer. Sure you didn't sign up for it, but it's in your blood. We are destined to walk this earth alone, but now there are more of us. Hey, the world is different, we have our own army, and we can finally live for ourselves, at least a couple of days out of the week. You're still my number one to go out on the town and stake a few vamps, but now we can be a little more laid back about it. Enjoy it, Buff, enjoy life. As much as I hate to admit it, a vampire gave us that much."  
Buffy pulled back from Faith's embrace, wiped the cascade of tears from her face, took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. Faith was right, Spike had given them so much, but she still needed time, a lot of time, because the pain was strong, it was going to be strong for a while. Who would have ever thought Spike, the glorified leech would have ultimately saved the world? Love could change the world, he'd proven that to her. Buffy fell back on one of the beds, turned onto her side, and curled up in a tight ball. She wasn't ready for the world just yet, she needed some down time; time to cave in on herself, die over and over again in her nightmares, and pray that she might have the strength to crawl out of the shell of her former self once the pain had dulled to a numb ache.  
There was a knock on the door, Faith looked at Buffy with a sigh, before nearly yanking the door off of its hinges. Her jaw dropped at the sight of Xander at the door, it was funny how she was still getting used to seeing him with that patch. It made him look tough, but he'd always been tougher than he looked, at least emotionally. He was wearing all black except for the dark blue long sleeved shirt he'd pulled on over his black t- shirt. His hair was wild and messy, and he didn't look much better for the wear than Buffy, but he strode in like the old Xander ready to remedy all emotional wounds. Faith felt a smile tug at her lips as she thought of how much he'd changed. He was almost a new person, definitely stronger than she originally thought him to be.  
He took one looked at Buffy and sucked in a deep gust of air. He wondered if she'd been like that after sending Angel to hell. She looked small and helpless, and Xander felt his heart in his throat. Buffy had lost Spike, and he'd lost Anya. The world was saved, good had won, but what did that mean without his Anya or Buffy's Spike? Life just didn't seem real when loved ones were gone, but his girl had died saving someone, funny how he always thought she was a little selfish except when it came to him, and Spike was the real shock, the bad boy turned savior of the world. Everyone had changed and he wondered where he'd been through it all.  
"I would ask how she is, but I have my answer right there, curled up on a cheap motel bed," Xander said.  
Faith let out her breath, funny she hadn't realized she'd been holding it, "Yeah, well, she did talk to me. She said something about him not believing her when she told him she loved him. Weird huh? He did all of this for her. I guess he had a soul after all."  
"Yeah, he had a soul, and so did my Anya. It's something, how good can come from evil. Does it ever stop hurting?"  
Faith looked down awkwardly, "I don't know Xand, I'm not smart enough to have the answer to that. Maybe Willow knows, or Giles. Look I would stay and look after the Buffster, but you're here, and well I kind of got a date. You don't mind do you?"  
Xander shook his head and waved her off. Faith grabbed a set of keys walked out of the room, and locked the door behind her, old habits were hard to break, and that left Xander alone with Buffy. Buffy was immobile as Xander went over and sat down beside her on the bed. Her body moved closer to his as his weight caused the bed to shift and cave inward. Her face was buried in the pillow, and Xander noticed small muffled sounds that grew until they were long loud cries of pain. He gently pulled her hair back and leaned down to see as much of her face as was possible considering her hands firmly held the pillow across her face although it didn't muffle much anymore.  
"Oh God, Buffy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Come on, you got to be the strong one remember? You're a slayer, and I'm just the fall guy, the one that gets in the way and screws up. You got to be around to save me. Buffy, what can I do?" He asked.  
Buffy let go of the pillow and sat up, "Bring him back, or kill me so I can go to him. Anything is better than being without him. I thought the pain was fading when I got over Angel. I can't take losing Spike. They always seem to leave or die right when I tell them I love them. Is that what being a slayer means? I don't want it anymore, and the only way out is dying. I pictured normal where good finally had the upper hand without much of a struggle, and now it's here and I don't want to be a part of it. I would rather be facing off a hundred vampires with him by my side than be here right now."  
Xander's dark eyes clouded over, "You're not the only one that lost somebody in that fight. Stop with the pity party. Anya died saving someone's life too. Sure your guy died saving the world, but I lost someone too. A lot of people lost someone. It's supposed to be hard. You put that piece of yourself out there and you lose it while doing the right thing. Nobody said life was fair, or that everything always came out all right in the end. The world might be different, but that is something that doesn't change. I can't even believe I'm saying this, but it's true. Anya taught me that, as crazy as that sounds. Now as hard as it is to go on after the pain, it's possible. She wouldn't have let me give up on the world now that it's changed, and Spike wouldn't have let you give up either. You know that!"  
"I don't care. I don't want this anymore. Great, the world is different, but where do I belong now? What is left for someone like me? I killed monsters, I fell in love with them, and now I'm like them, so where do I fit in now? Let me go, let me quit just this once," She said.  
"No, that's not how it's going to work, because you're going to help me get through this, and if it kills me I'll see that you get through this too. You're stuck here, now make the best of it." Xander said and stopped in mid-sentence as he registered how fast she'd sat up. The last time he'd seen her; the day Sunnydale was destroyed and they'd checked into that dumpy motel, she'd had a wound on her right side, a wound that should have been fatal.  
"Buff, what's going on? How did you sit up so fast?"  
Green-gray eyes met brown ones as Buffy's head snapped up in shock. Xander had already lifted her shirt to reveal her right side, completely unmarked. Xander's eyes widened and Buffy looked down at her side in shock; there was no wound, not even a scar from that day almost a week ago. That wasn't possible.  
"It must have been when I took Spike's hand. I wanted to save him more than anything. Something passed between us, and he told me to go."  
"You look different, pale, almost inhuman. You healed a wound, that was bad enough to kill you, in a week, possibly sooner," Xander's voice quivered in fear and uncertainty.  
Buffy went to Faith's bag, pulled out a knife, drew it across her hand and both she and Xander stared in shock as the wound mended itself. No human could do that. Buffy noticed small constant sounds, new smells, and her vision had changed, grown sharper. What had happened to her? She could hear Xander's heartbeat and the blood rushing through his veins, but that didn't seem to bother her, she had no desire to grab him and tear into his throat. Whatever she had become, it didn't seem like it posed any immediate threat to his well being or hers for that matter.  
She picked Xander up into her arms without a second thought, he seemed light as a feather and in a flash of motion had the room door unlocked and was running to the end up the hall, according to Xander's thoughts Giles' room was down the hall. She had to see him to find out what was happening to her.  
She knocked on Giles' door and when he opened it she brushed by him in a blurry breeze and had Xander on his feet by the time Giles had his door shut. He looked surprised as he turned to face them, took off his glasses, and cleaned the lenses on his shirt. Once his glasses were perched on their proper place, his nose, he looked up and exhaled.  
"Buffy? How. are you? Faith told me you were not doing so well, but I'm noticing improvement. You're out and about, that is something, quite remarkable actually, but how? How did you get into my room so quickly?" Giles interrogated.  
Buffy's lips lifted into a ghost of her old smile, "I can manage, if Xander can get through this, I think I owe it to him and all of you to at least try. Giles, something has changed. I'm different. I think I know how, but I don't know why."  
"Different? Well, now that you mention it, you do look different, but grief is apt to change appearances. I understand that you had deeply felt emotions towards Spike."  
"No, Giles, it's not that. My senses are sharper and I can heal like a vampire."  
"What?" Giles's eyes widened momentarily as shocked passed over his face for a second or two.  
"It's true. I saw it myself. That wound she had on her side isn't there anymore, there's no scar or anything. She just cut herself with one of Faith's knives and her skin closed over the cut and molded together. I can't even explain what I saw. She slipped past you with the speed of a vampire and you didn't even notice her carrying me." Xander interrupted.  
Giles sat down on the bed in his room and rubbed at his temple, an old nervous gesture, "What do you think caused this? Do you feel hungry Buffy?"  
Buffy shook her head, "I'm not a vampire. Before I left Spike I took his hand in mine and I felt something, some kind of power enter me. I think that might be what changed me. It felt like he was passing through me."  
"Are you saying that you felt Spike's soul go through you?" Xander asked.  
"It could have been that. Funny. He said, 'I guess I really do have my soul. It stings.' Do you think a piece of him somehow got inside of me when I took his hand? Do you think." Buffy's voice died on that last thought.  
"I don't know. It very well could have been. Maybe before you left, he gave you a part of his soul. He did save your life, so at this point anything is possible. What else were you going to say?" Giles asked.  
Buffy's lip trembled, "Only something simple and girly."  
Xander put an arm around her shoulder and felt a tremor run through her body, "You can be girly now, you have a damn good reason to be."  
"Do you think he knew I loved him? He once said, 'Love is a funny thing.' He was right. I never could fool him. He was always right, about me and Angel, and everything else; except the last thing he said to me. He told me that I didn't love him."  
Buffy slammed her fist through the wall. She hadn't been aware that she could hit so hard. She eased her fist out of the beige plaster and shook it to get most of the plaster chips off of it. Her hand didn't even ache from the impact it had with the wall.  
"I'm sure he knew Buffy. Anyone with half a brain could see how you felt about him. He proved he deserved your affection at least. You need to clear your head now, and let time heal your emotional wounds now, since physical wounds no longer seem to have an impact on you," Giles said.  
Buffy's powerful green-gray gaze snapped up, " 'Love is not brains children, it's blood, blood screaming within you to do its will.' I can take this and anything thrown my way. I think I'm going to be here for a very long time. I think I'll stay up to see the dawn and then I'll move on. You might call it running away, but I need time to deal. I have to get away from all of this and hope that trouble won't find me, at least for a week. Maybe I'll do some patrolling and slaying, but now there's more to my life than that. I don't know what yet, but I'll find something. I have to move on. I've become something new. I may have been chosen a slayer and I can still kill vampires, but there are more chosen ones out there. You're a good watcher Giles. Your next Slayer will be lucky to have you for her watcher. Xander, can you take care of Dawn for me? I don't know where I'm going, but I know it won't be a good place for her. Oh, can you tell Faith, Willow, Dawn, and the others that I left. I can't face them and have the strength to leave afterwards. I'm not saying I'll be gone for good. I don't think there is much out there that can kill me, so I'll find my way back to all of you, I just don't know how long it will be before I'm ready to come back."  
"Are you sure? I understand why you must leave, but are you ready to go now?" Giles asked.  
"Yes, if I don't go now, I don't think I would go, and I really need some time to find myself, not Slayer Buffy, but the me that Spike gave me. Xander, why aren't you saying anything?"  
Xander threw his arms around one of the best friends he'd ever known. She'd saved his life countless times before, and there were no words for the friendship he felt for her, "I'm going to miss you Buff. Dawn will be fine and I'll break it to them. Don't worry about anything. Get lost and when you find yourself you come back and let us find you. Thanks for saving me all those times, and I hope for the best. You deserve it."  
That ghost of a smile twisted her lips, "I don't know what I deserve. I know that I have a small piece of Spike's soul in me, flowing through my blood, and he's changed me: body, mind, and soul. I don't know where that will take me or how things will end up. I'll miss you, but I will come back one day. Until then I'll be finding myself and I'll walk this earth alone."  
Buffy took one last look at her friends before she walked out of the door and into the night. She ran with her new supernatural speed, taking in her surroundings. Was she immortal? That was something she would find out on her road to discovery. Did she need to feed? She didn't think so, because she knew she wasn't a vampire. She stopped in the middle of the desert, she was probably somewhere in Nevada, sat on a rock, feeling the sun preparing to rise in the cool atmosphere of the desert at night. From her spot on the rock she turned to face the east as dawn broke and the sun began to rise. Tears fell from her eyes as she smiled at the sight of the rising sun, as the amazingly bright colors filled the sky and seem to melt into that light blue that was the day's sky. It was so beautiful. When was the last time Spike had seen the sunrise? With the part of his soul that was inside her, she knew she was somehow sharing this with him. She could picture his carefree smile light up his face, followed by the gentle loving smile that he'd shown her, and she felt the burdens of guilt and grief lift off of her shoulders. He didn't have to be with her to share her life, because he lived in her memory. He saved the world, and he'd saved her. That was enough to take him to a comfortable place after his sacrifice. She vowed to find herself right then, and she knew she would slay the occasional vampire, old habits were hard to break, but most importantly she vowed to at least try to live. So until she was destined to meet up with him again she would enjoy the time he gave her and share it with that piece of his soul that she carried inside of her, and she would walk this earth alone. 


End file.
